How to discuss and disagree respectfully about the topic of the day.
Published on: 04-28-2020
During the coronavirus pandemic, almost every virtual meeting you attend begins with a check-in on who’s healthy. Maybe your long-lost friends from college are reconnecting on Facebook to see how things are going in your area. Meanwhile, you’re worrying about how your aging relatives — and young children — are practicing social distancing.
These days, nearly every conversation seems to revolve around coronavirus. After all, it’s important to follow reputable updates so you know how to protect yourself and your family. And sharing your fears and anxieties can make you feel less alone.
It’s also essential, however, to take breaks from thinking or talking about COVID-19 to avoid excess stress and anxiety, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Here are some ways to create neutral space, call for a time-out, and protect your mental health.
Setting boundaries in relationships poses a challenge even in non-crisis situations. And then, in the middle of a pandemic, nearly everyone is on edge. Taking steps to cope with stress, including changing the way you receive and share information about coronavirus, is one of the keys to getting through this time.
Now, as always, it’s important to communicate with family and friends — and especially those who are living with you — in a way that makes everyone feel validated and not judged.
This healthy communication may involve setting new boundaries about what you’re OK with talking about, and topics you prefer to only talk about occasionally, or not discuss at all. Note that these lines can shift over time and in different circumstances. That’s why it’s important to revisit them, especially in a fast-moving situation like a pandemic.
Have a Household Conversation About Boundaries
Staying home during the coronavirus quarantine with your entire family isn’t easy, even if you generally have positive relationships. To set your mental and physical boundaries appropriately, have a household meeting to discuss topics such as:
Controlling news consumption, or setting a specific time or time limit for watching stories about the pandemic, and only discussing it at that time
Creating physical zones in the house for different activities whenever possible, such as for work, play, exercise, and alone time
Designating places and objects that belong solely to one person and aren’t for sharing
Scheduling a deliberate time for stress-relieving pursuits, such as listening to music, journaling, and playing games
Separating work and school time from family time
Continually check back in with each other to see how these house rules are working. Whatever functioned well the first week you’re at home together may wear thin later on.
You may not be used to talking so much about your feelings and boundaries, but by doing so with honesty and transparency, you can increase your family’s resilience. You’re a team, with each family member dedicated to each other’s mental and physical health.
To Set Boundaries, First Focus on Your Feelings
You may also need to do some work on your own to decide how, and how much, you talk about coronavirus. Start by tuning in to your own emotions and feelings.
If a specific line of conversation makes you feel more anxious, resentful, frustrated or helpless, make a note of that. Define how you want to feel instead — perhaps informed, alert, safe, and supported — and think about healthy conversations and behaviors that would provoke these emotions.
For instance, you might feel safe when your spouse wears a cloth face-covering at the grocery store but frustrated when he or she turns on the nightly news when you’re relaxing. Think through these situations and perhaps write them down for reference so you can communicate them effectively.
After you’ve evaluated how you feel and how you want to feel, it’s time to share these boundaries with those closest to you. These conversations aren’t always easy, but they’re part of a healthy relationship and can help you and your family stay strong and resilient during these difficult times.
Pick a time when neither you nor the other person are feeling angry, fearful, or overwhelmed. Go over what you need and why. Remain kind and compassionate while you do so, and show empathy, affection, and understanding of the stress both you and others are facing.
Using “I” Statements
You may find it helpful to use “I” statements, like saying “I feel,” and “I’d like,” in your conversations. Avoid calling out the other person in a way that can make them defensive. Instead, focus on how their words and actions make you feel and explain how you’d like to feel differently.
For example, instead of saying, “You are talking too much about the worst-case scenario, and it’s scaring me,” try saying, “I value our relationship, and I want us both to feel safe. I’m feeling vulnerable, and I’m asking that you avoid this topic.”
Then, follow through. If the person brings up the subject again, reinforce your boundary by repeating your request.
Redirect Conversations About COVID-19 Respectfully
Sometimes, the people closest to you can violate your boundaries even after you’ve expressed them. In other cases, you might find yourself caught in an uncomfortable conversation with a more casual acquaintance.
Try these in-the-moment techniques to keep conversations calm and productive.
Be honest but firm. You don’t have to argue, but you can state your needs clearly: “I’m feeling overwhelmed right now. Can we change the topic, please?”
Make boundaries a two-way street. Listen to what others are saying and ask what they need to feel comfortable also. Read their body language for clues that you’ve crossed their boundary line, like a lack of eye contact or leaning away, for instance.
Pause for 10 seconds. Just halting the conversation temporarily can be helpful if you feel overwhelmed. This is especially important if you feel frustrated or irritated about what the person is saying. Allowing time before you respond can prevent you from overreacting with anger.
Avoid stigma about COVID-19. Stop rumors that perpetuate stigma when you hear them. If someone shares something you know is false — for instance, that garlic or hot baths kill coronavirus — share the facts about COVID-19. Direct them to reliable sources of information instead.